'Home On The Range' - we investigate aga owners in North-East Kilburn Wick, who are uniting to push for harder-wearing hob hats.
'Fandango Bandago' - Time Out sends its archest writer to look into the phenomenon that is sweeping most of south-west Richmond; ball-room dancing for babies.
Theatre reviews, including 'Nunnington Crescent' (a silent piece delivered in the dark), 'Hotpotch of Crotch Spots' (Roger Cannibal's condensed Shakespeare, set in a GU clinic) and yet another Jerry Sadowitz show (which to be honest, we'll just print the same review as we did last time, no one will read it and no one will go)
Restaurant recommendations, all delivered in a disgustingly breathless fashion based entirely on comparisons to other places you haven't been to (but really should) with the assumption that people think making reservations is some sort of bind.
A three page interview with a comedian from New Zealand who looks like Dennis Pennis but is probably half as funny, and whose show (on for 20 mins at The Book Club, EC2) won't even go ahead. But that's the point really, isn't it?
Another thing about fucking cupcakes
Music section, with an in-depth feature on a new record shop which doesn't actually have any records in it (actually) and which at no point indicates the name of the shop or its location. And some tossed off singles reviews stating the bloody obvious, including the shock news that Death In Vegas are a bit past it, and James Morrison's output is a little trite
A closing coda of twaddle about sitting on a bus or something
