Time Out Makes Me Want To Smoke Crack

In this week's Time Out...

'Home On The Range' - we investigate aga owners in North-East Kilburn Wick, who are uniting to push for harder-wearing hob hats.

'Fandango Bandago' - Time Out sends its archest writer to look into the phenomenon that is sweeping most of south-west Richmond; ball-room dancing for babies.

Theatre reviews, including 'Nunnington Crescent' (a silent piece delivered in the dark), 'Hotpotch of Crotch Spots' (Roger Cannibal's condensed Shakespeare, set in a GU clinic) and yet another Jerry Sadowitz show (which to be honest, we'll just print the same review as we did last time, no one will read it and no one will go)

Restaurant recommendations, all delivered in a disgustingly breathless fashion based entirely on comparisons to other places you haven't been to (but really should) with the assumption that people think making reservations is some sort of bind.

A three page interview with a comedian from New Zealand who looks like Dennis Pennis but is probably half as funny, and whose show (on for 20 mins at The Book Club, EC2) won't even go ahead. But that's the point really, isn't it?

Another thing about fucking cupcakes

Music section, with an in-depth feature on a new record shop which doesn't actually have any records in it (actually) and which at no point indicates the name of the shop or its location. And some tossed off singles reviews stating the bloody obvious, including the shock news that Death In Vegas are a bit past it, and James Morrison's output is a little trite

A closing coda of twaddle about sitting on a bus or something

A Masterclass in PR from Fabric

The press release is a tricky beast to tame. Too much detail kills any mystique; too much mystique gives the reader nothing to latch onto. So we give record label & failing rabbit-warren Fabric a tip of the Baker's Cap for their increasingly ephemeral press releases...

The latest release on Fabric is a mix by Hype Young Thing, Ramadanman (also, confusingly, trading under Pearson Sound and David Kennedy). Now: this is a cutting-edge DJ at the top of his game, whose forward-thinking yet dancefloor friendly productions and remixes are the perfect choice for a Fabric mix. The press release, however, manages to bludgeon any excitement out of you within seconds. To celebrate Fabric's mastery of the press release, we've compiled a choice selection of their finest statements:

Green, lean and phallic

The courgette has really come into its own during January - Slightly cutting back on the chronic has meant a new found clarity of culinary vision has descended - it's green and looks like the sort of weener Grotbags might have if she was a man. I've been sticking it in literally anything I can get my hands on. As veg goes, this one is proper sick.



That'll be beans for one then



Fuck your Typhoo

Book Club - Stewart Lee

You have probably already noticed that it's Winter and it is miserable. What better way to block out the world than with a series of good books? With this in mind, the Bakery has been stuffed with tomes & we are feverishly working our way through them... First out the traps is Stewart Lee's 'How I Escaped My Certain Fate: The Life and Deaths of a Stand-Up Comedian'

You would imagine that a book whose main body consists of transcripts of stand-up shows might be a very cheap cash-in. However, as is so often the case with Stewart Lee, what seems to be shallow rot is revealed to be magical and deep. Lee hangs a loose retelling of his time in stand-up around transcripts of three shows. A sad man writing about what a miserable failure much of his life has been doesn't sound like a recipe for laughs, but the book is pure joy.